Angry Eskimos

The Eskimos are angry.

Not too long ago their land was simply a territory where they lived their lives, free of political thoughts and they did what they wanted. Their resources were their own and they used them as they saw fit. The Eskimos had a culture and a religion of their own. That they weren’t a real country wasn’t an issue, it was their land claimed centuries ago and that was enough for the Eskimos.

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One day, other non-Eskimos came to Alaska. They called themselves Americans. They were human beings but their culture and religion were different. They dressed differently, spoke differently and acted differently. The Americans were certainly an industrious people, building factories and schools and farms where none existed before. They were good traders and would often trade things for the land of the Eskimos so they could call a little something their own.

More and more of these Americans kept coming and the Eskimos became alarmed at the prospect of losing everything to the Americans because those Americans were talking of making Alaska a state.

The Eskimos, having heard of the American plan for statehood had many ideas about what to do about it. As is often the case, the fiercest and loudest won the argument. These fierce people called themselves Humans Against Mutuality And Statehood. They claimed that they would throw the Americans out of Alaska and that the Eskimo people would once again own all of what they considered to be their land. HAMAS vowed they would never stop fighting as long as one American was in Alaska. The Eskimos wanted to rule themselves independently as their own country. They had felt happy in their own territory decades ago never being made into a real country on their own but now decided that they were indeed a country and needed self-rule, free of Americans and HAMAS seemed the way to achieve it.

Many listened to the fierce HAMAS and moved out of what they were told was going to be the confrontation zone. They were told by HAMAS that after they had kicked the Americans out of Alaska they could return victorious and bought into that line of thinking. Amazingly enough, HAMAS lost handily against the Americans and Alaska became America's 49th state on January 3rd, 1959.

Most Eskimos didn't like it but saw they couldn't really do anything about it and decided to get on with their lives as best as they could. Some, the more radical ones, decided to fight a war against the Americans, however pointless and silly to express their displeasure over having their land taken from them and made into American land even though that is exactly what they wanted to do to the Americans. The Eskimo general population, instead of being angry at HAMAS who had talked them into moving and demanding they provide them with suitable recompense are instead angry at the Americans for successfully defending themselves against HAMAS.

The Eskimos now wish to propose a deal. They say they will make peace if the Americans go back to the Pre-1959 borders. That the pre-1959 borders are completely indefensible for the Americans there isn’t the point. That HAMAS waged terrorist war after war on the Americans trying to wipe them out for the past several decades isn’t the point. They even got a President to endorse their pre-1959 idea so it’s can’t be bad, right?

So let us all be happy that the Eskimos are being so reasonable and tell the Americans that even though the pre-1959 borders didn’t work then, certainly they’ll work just fine now because after half a century of HAMAS murdering Americans at every opportunity they can obviously trust them now.