Angry Eskimos

The Eskimos are angry.

Not too long ago their land was simply a territory where they lived their lives, free of political thoughts and they did what they wanted. Their resources were their own and they used them as they saw fit. The Eskimos had a culture and a religion of their own. That they weren’t a real country wasn’t an issue, it was their land claimed centuries ago and that was enough for the Eskimos.

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One day, other non-Eskimos came to Alaska. They called themselves Americans. They were human beings but their culture and religion were different. They dressed differently, spoke differently and acted differently. The Americans were certainly an industrious people, building factories and schools and farms where none existed before. They were good traders and would often trade things for the land of the Eskimos so they could call a little something their own.

More and more of these Americans kept coming and the Eskimos became alarmed at the prospect of losing everything to the Americans because those Americans were talking of making Alaska a state.

The Eskimos, having heard of the American plan for statehood had many ideas about what to do about it. As is often the case, the fiercest and loudest won the argument. These fierce people called themselves Humans Against Mutuality And Statehood. They claimed that they would throw the Americans out of Alaska and that the Eskimo people would once again own all of what they considered to be their land. HAMAS vowed they would never stop fighting as long as one American was in Alaska. The Eskimos wanted to rule themselves independently as their own country. They had felt happy in their own territory decades ago never being made into a real country on their own but now decided that they were indeed a country and needed self-rule, free of Americans and HAMAS seemed the way to achieve it.

Many listened to the fierce HAMAS and moved out of what they were told was going to be the confrontation zone. They were told by HAMAS that after they had kicked the Americans out of Alaska they could return victorious and bought into that line of thinking. Amazingly enough, HAMAS lost handily against the Americans and Alaska became America's 49th state on January 3rd, 1959.

Most Eskimos didn't like it but saw they couldn't really do anything about it and decided to get on with their lives as best as they could. Some, the more radical ones, decided to fight a war against the Americans, however pointless and silly to express their displeasure over having their land taken from them and made into American land even though that is exactly what they wanted to do to the Americans. The Eskimo general population, instead of being angry at HAMAS who had talked them into moving and demanding they provide them with suitable recompense are instead angry at the Americans for successfully defending themselves against HAMAS.

The Eskimos now wish to propose a deal. They say they will make peace if the Americans go back to the Pre-1959 borders. That the pre-1959 borders are completely indefensible for the Americans there isn’t the point. That HAMAS waged terrorist war after war on the Americans trying to wipe them out for the past several decades isn’t the point. They even got a President to endorse their pre-1959 idea so it’s can’t be bad, right?

So let us all be happy that the Eskimos are being so reasonable and tell the Americans that even though the pre-1959 borders didn’t work then, certainly they’ll work just fine now because after half a century of HAMAS murdering Americans at every opportunity they can obviously trust them now.

Real Men and Secrets About Women

I'm an All-American Man. I'm one of those old school people who believe in their country. I'm a Navy veteran and to this day there's nothing my country could realistically ask of me and I wouldn't do. I was raised on a steady stream of John Wayne, Texas Pride and men doing honorable things that might be a little out of fashion for the 21st century. I open all doors for my wife, including car doors, even in the rain. I rise when she joins or leaves a table. When we walk along a street I make sure she's on the side away from the street and I raised my two daughters to expect the same thing from the men in their lives. The kids are now 22 and 24 and I can't tell you how many times they've come home from a date and said the guy wasn't a "gentleman" because they didn't do the things expected of them. Outwardly I express disappointment, secretly I'm delighted. I warn people who talk or God forbid use a cell phone in a movie theater. In my youth(and beyond) I wasn't above laying my hands on people who needed to realize they had crossed a line. Being on the large side in terms of physicallity didn't hurt.

Being a real man doesn't mean you're a jerk. When my wife cooks I do the dishes, when the roles are reversed (yes I cook) the duties are reversed as well. Cleaning the house is a team sport for us. Yes, I pull the mans work when it's time to do the more unsavory things like cleaning a drain or most things involving a hammer, but truth be told she's right there behind me ready to lend moral support or assist. She does laundry because I would rather have everything dry-cleaned. I prefer to drive, not because I dismiss women drivers, but because I'm a bit of a control freak. When she drives I sit in the passenger seat with my mouth shut, close my eyes behind sunglasses and sometimes get a leg cramp from pressing the imaginary brake, but I don't complain.

I'm not a Meterosexual. While I do groom myself I think of it as simple vanity. Nothing gets waxed. I know what the wife likes and what she dislikes and back hair is on the dislike list, being both Jewish and in my 40's this can be a problem. So she takes care of that when we shower together. I like having my back free of hair and she apparently likes having her boobs glisten from being so clean. I dress well because of both the vanity thing and knowing it makes my wife proud of me. I own a few pairs of 501's, some old Doc's and boat shoes, a bunch of T-shirts and golf shirts but these are for around the house and backyard BBQ's. When we go most anywhere I dress for it. Professionally I have to wear a suit but suits are also good for after work, even a jacket goes a long way in this town. My wife loves having other couples look at us and know that later the woman will ask the man why he doesn't dress up for her anymore. I'm not certain if it's a good thing or a bad thing but I know that sometime, somewhere a man will be respecting his wife a little more or he'll be "encouraged" to be more thoughtful.

So men, you have to realize that what a woman wants is whatever she doesn't currently possess except for "one thing". Women are gatherers. If they've already gathered it that item is no longer on their list. If they have someone who acts like a jerk they'll find someone who's sensitive. If they have someone who's sensitive they'll find someone who is the dark-side guy. You can be everything to her if you try, but you have to work at it. And what is the "one thing"? It's simple. They have to have and keep their faith in you. Don't fail them because they never forget it. Earn their respect and treat it like the greatest treasure because when it comes down to it, it is.